envy

(by kristi bennett)

maybe it's because i have my head buried in a laptop most of the time. maybe it's all the self-talks i give about not really wanting lots of space to clean. maybe it's my mantra that "i'm eclectic." maybe it's all the comments i get about my house feeling "comfortable" and me "having a good eye."


whatever it is, most of the time i'm content with my house. with my stuff. with my decorating style. (eclectic...)


two incidents have hit me out of the blue lately and made me think, oh, i'm not really all that content with my house.


the first occurred when i went to pick up aedan from a sleepover the other day. i already love the mom, even though we don't know each other very well. you know how those things happen, right? so i knew the minute i saw the boxy, shaded, wood plank front porch that i would love the inside of this house. the mom joked, "here, let me show you around. [quick loop around the small house] OK! that was it!" 


their house is small, but decorated so lovely. not fancy, just lovely--soothing colors, open kitchen. she had lots to say about how hard they'd worked to get it this way, to open it up some, to make it seem bigger. but it really looked like something out of a magazine. and i was smitten.


i went about the rest of my day, not realizing that seeds of envy were sprouting weeds in my soul. 


then my sister sent me pictures yesterday of the hard work she and her husband have done rearranging their house, building a new deck, preparing for their son's birthday party and for our arrival next week. it hit me like a ton of bricks: i was jealous. 


i can't really put my finger on it. and this is why i'm sharing it here. i'm sort of an external processor, so why not process it online, right? i'm not the kind of girl who wants a giant house, or fancy furniture. in fact, whenever rick has suggested that we get a bedroom suite (except he says "all matching bedroom furniture"), i cringe. i almost shout, NO! because to have anything matching (in my own home, not judging anyone else) would just be unsettling to me. 


i think i am envious of the vibe. in my new mom friend's house, it was calm. i know if she read this she would laugh. calm? with two boys wrestling and arguing and chasing each other and locking her out of her new iphone? ha. but yes. calm.


and my sister's house is so lovely, and spacious, and probably when i am feeling most claustrophobic here, most overwhelmed (maybe without even realizing it), i am envious of all the space she has--the basement where all the toys can be kept, the extra room dedicated to an adorable guest bed, the giant master bedroom with a sprawling king-size bed.


these ugly bits, the reason i was inspired to start this blog: they just creep up when i'm not looking.